


Still a Little Hard to Say What's Going On

by yuletide_archivist



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-15
Updated: 2008-12-15
Packaged: 2018-01-25 04:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1630412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Go back." Robin runs her finger up and down the list like she's kind of an asshole.  "To the dinner thing?" "No, not to that.  To the hooking you up with guys thing.  I don't want to do that."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still a Little Hard to Say What's Going On

**Author's Note:**

> So much thanks to silksieve for her wonderful beta services.
> 
> Written for janicechess

 

 

Barney thinks it must be getting late because Marshall and Lily left awhile ago, but Robin is still here anyway. They've been talking, about work, about Ted, but now he's only catching every fifth word she's saying. Everything _hurts_. A kind of hurt he didn't know you could feel in so many different parts of you at the same time. Robin maybe says the word pain like a question, and he tries to nod his head, but the brace gets in the way. It's really terrifying for a moment, because he can't move and his bones are throbbing, and then Robin's hand is on his shoulder and he's able to stop making whatever horribly embarrassing sound was coming out of his mouth. 

She pushes the call button, and after what feels like forever, some delicious codeine is getting shot into his IV line. "You'll be feeling better soon," Robin says, still lightly rubbing the top of his arm. 

"I like it when you take care of me," he tells her, already a little less tense. 

He knows codeine makes him loopy and that he's going to have the freakiest dreams tonight, but it's totally worth it if every nerve ending in his body isn't going to be begging for attention. 

She smiles. "I don't plan to make a habit of it. You're a terrible patient." 

Barney's getting groggy, and he yawns wide enough to feel the stitches in his cheek tug. If that scars, he's going to have a plastic surgeon mounted over his bed. 

"Are you going to be okay here by yourself tonight?" she asks. 

"Yeah," and his voice is sleepy. He doesn't think he's ever wanted to pass out more than he does right now. Not even after he hooked up with the triplets. He's sure it's probably the drugs, but he doesn't think that night even compares to the way Robin's fingertips feel ghosting around the edge of his hospital gown. God, his eyes are heavy. 

She wants to know if he's sure, and then he's saying, "I love you, Robin," with a grin on his face like it's the most normal thing in the world. 

She puts her hand on his head, and gently ruffles his hair. "Goodnight, Barney," she whispers and the next thing he knows it's 3 in the morning and nurse Bill wants to take his temperature. 

\--- 

"I am not setting you up with my orthopedist." Barney says while trying to pick up the children's spoon they've given him to eat with. 

Robin watches him from the same chair she always sits in and doesn't offer to help, which is good because he threw Ted out yesterday for doing exactly that.

"Why not?" 

She's been obsessed with getting Dr. Russo's contact information since she searched for him in the hospital directory online. Apparently, he looks like some Canadian hockey player she used to like, and Barney realizes that because she's so hot, Robin _has_ to have flaws like this, but seriously, Barney's Googled Paul Coffey and even her being from Canada isn't an excuse for liking that guy.

"I think he's married." The spoon slips out of his grip again and he sighs in frustration. Really, he has no idea about the guy's marital status, but he wants her to stop bringing him up. 

"Why do I feel like you're lying? Is it because I mentioned that the male nurse giving you a sponge bath had a crush on you?" 

"Please. Can you really blame Tariq for that? I mean look at me." He gestures as much as his arm in traction will allow him to. Which basically means it swings a fraction of an inch to the left. 

"You look like a man with over 80% of his bones shattered," 

He winces as his arm moves back into place and she says, "See, stop showing off." 

All Barney wants to do is get out of this bed and have his life go back to normal. He's worried that Ted hasn't even checked in on his suits to make sure the humidity is alright in their closet, and Stella let it slip that there were two girls making out at McLaren's the other night. Two girls making out. IN HIS BAR! And he can't even use a spoon that's designed for a toddler. 

He looks down at the Noah's Arc Lily's been working on across his leg. She's managed to draw in pairs of lions, giraffes, monkeys and one peacock that she said she'd make a mate for the next time she came uptown. Barney fears that with five weeks still to go, she might run out of animals or he'll run out of sanity. 

"Here, help me with this," he says, finally giving up on being able to feed himself. 

"Please?" 

"Please," he grumbles, and she picks up a scoop of gloppy mashed potatoes for him. 

After he's eaten all of those, half of the dried out turkey, and most of the fruit cocktail, he makes her stop. Robin holds out his cup with the extra long straw, and he won't look at her because if he sees pity there, it's going to kill him. "I'll be able to do it tomorrow. By myself." 

"Exactly," she says, and places the straw between his lips. 

\--- 

He's been watching the clock all afternoon, waiting for Robin to get off work and just get here already. The battery in his laptop is dead, and Bill is busy monitoring the vitals of some new patient down the hall and can't take notes for him. Which is typical because this idea has been bouncing around in his head since before lunch. 

Halfway through the same episode of _Friends_ that aired this morning on a different channel, Robin walks in the door, and his excitement is a little overwhelming. "Grab a pen, I need you!" 

"Can I please put my stuff down first?" She sounds worn out and he doesn't like that it makes him mad. 

"Yeah, take your time. It's not like I've been laying here all day anticipating you getting here or anything." 

"Come on, Barney. Stop being a dick. I know you have it worse, but I had a shitty day. So, shut up." 

He thinks about how Robin's the one who keeps bringing him DVDs to watch, and asked the kitchen staff if he could have wheat bread instead of white, and will never treat him like some sort of invalid. He has to ask her, "You want to talk about it?" 

"No. Now," she says, throwing herself down in the maroon chair, "what did you so desperately need me for?" 

"I need you to help me write a list of things I want to do when I get out of here." 

"Starting with not get hit by buses?" 

"Haha." He rolls his eyes. 

"What about looking both ways before you cross a street?" 

"Are you going to take this seriously, Scherbatsky?" 

She takes a yellow legal pad from her work bag and a black Bic. "Alright, fine. What do _you_ want to start with?" 

"Number one: Have a scotch, a cigar, and a blow job, not necessarily in that order. Secondly, have a new suit tailored similar to the one that was butchered in this place, in memory of its fallen brother. Next, eat something that wasn't also cooked for hundreds of other people. Oh, hit the strip club, definitely, and not just the ones I have frequent visitor[`]s passes at. Maybe get a manicure. Can you read that back so I can see where we're at?"

She goes down the list, but after the strip clubs she says, "Hook Robin up with at least ten guys" rather than his nail care appointment. 

"Go back." 

Robin runs her finger up and down the list like she's kind of an asshole. "To the dinner thing?" 

"No, not to that. To the hooking you up with guys thing. I don't want to do that." 

She puts the pad down on her lap and shrugs her shoulders. "Well you have to. And that's only if we do one for every Saturday night you'll have forced me into spending here with you." 

"Forced you into? I don't even know how they keep letting you in after visiting hours are over." They kick everyone else out who comes to visit him by six thirty, but there are times that Robin doesn't even get to the hospital until after that. And yet, no one ever tells her that she's going to have to come back the following day if she'd like to spend some more time with him. 

"Well, apparently the nursing and security staff are under the assumption that I'm your girlfriend." She grins like the cat that ate the canary. 

He quirks his eyebrow. "And why exactly would that be?" 

"It might have to do with me telling them that I was." 

"Scherbatsky, you didn't!" He knows he sounds horrified, but it's kind of faux-horrified. If he absolutely had to have a girlfriend, it would be someone like Robin. To be clear, not Robin, but someone like her. "Do either the boyfriend claiming or your addition to my list have anything to do with you having a bad day? An `I need a man in my life' panic?" 

"I thought I told you I didn't want to talk about it?" 

"So, I'm right?" and he can tell from the tone she used that he probably is. 

"Changing subjects." She picks up the pad again. "What else do you want to do when you get out of here?" 

He doesn't push the topic anymore and adds take a shower and win a paintball game. 

\--- 

After weeks of immobility, and itchy casts and boredom he thought he'd never have to feel again because he'd graduated from high school, they finally cut him out. Piece by piece, the plaster gets sawed through, and underneath he's all withered and icky, but it's amazing. 

They promise him he'll have the first slot on the physical therapist's schedule in the morning, and he almost wants to ask if there's anyway she'd come in earlier in exchange for some hefty checks from him. 

That first session, she has him just stand to start out with, her hands on his torso in case he falls. And what's so sad is that he actually almost does. It shouldn't be surprising, with the way that everything else up to this point was difficult or impossible, but this is ridiculous. 

He pushes himself though, and soon he can bend his elbows and take these little old man steps if he's braced against something. 

Robin shows up one Sunday while he's still in the gym, working on walking normally with the parallel bars. When she comes in, he yells out, "Look, Ma, no hands!" and lets go. He's instantly tottering forward before the physical therapist puts her hand up to his chest to catch him. 

"Maybe use the hands," Robin says with a look implying he really should be over having to show off for her. He holds on, trying again, and is able to make it to the end of the line. Debbie has him turn around to go back, over and over, until the session is over. 

\-- 

Marshall and Lily are the ones who come to take him home, carrying all of the crap that's accumulated in his room over the past three months, and maneuvering his wheelchair. He's got his exercise print outs he's supposed to use to get his remaining range of motion back, and his discharge papers, and just like that, the whole ordeal is finally over. It's legendary. Seriously, he never thought something this small could be legendary, but it definitely can be.

On his way out, Bill stops him for a handshake and a goodbye. "I thought your girlfriend would have come to check you out," he says, and Barney can see Lily's eyebrows go up. 

"She had to work. You know how it is." 

"Tell her I'm going to miss her." 

"Will do." 

They're not even out of earshot when Lily is near screaming, "You have a girlfriend?!" 

"Everyone here thinks Robin's my girlfriend. Relax." He's not really sure if he's saying the last part to Lily or himself, because he feels a little on edge having it out in the open. Exposed, which is considerably weirder since it's the first time he's been wearing pants that button in months. He even had Lily help him put on a tie. There's no reason for this. 

Marshall asks, "Is she?" 

"No, Marshall. Geez. I broke some bones; I didn't get a personality transplant." 

"You seem pretty defensive," Lily adds. 

"If I'm so defensive, why am I going out tonight to score chicks?" 

"I thought you were going out tonight with Robin," Marshall actually gasps. "Oh my God, you guys are going on a date, aren't you?" 

"Do you want to get a CAT scan while we're still in the hospital? Listen to yourself." 

"Well, why is it just the two of you then?" 

"Because the rest of you are already paired up like Noah's going to take you on the ark and would want to end the night around 8:30."

"I never asked, did you keep my ark drawing from the cast?" Lily wants to know, and Barney seizes the opportunity to switch the topic. 

"Yeah, I think it's in the duffel bag. Dr. Russo was very careful about cutting it off." 

"Aw, that was nice of him." 

"He said he liked the hippos." 

"The tigers were my favorite," Marshall says and Robin doesn't come up in conversation again for the entire trip to his apartment. 

\--- 

"Okay, so it's my first night back. What are we going to do so I have an epic time?" Barney's feeling incredibly pumped. He was able to shower in his own shower, and use his own shampoo and he's wearing a suit that he thinks cost more than his first year's rent when he moved away from home. 

"You're getting me some phone numbers." And just like that, Robin's tainted it a little. 

"Wait, I'm sorry, did the prepositions confuse you because you're not a native speaker? We're supposed to be doing something awesome for me." 

"We speak English in Canada, Barney." 

"Barely."

"Alright, to clear this up for your recently addled mind, you, Barney Stinson, are getting me, Robin Scherbatsky, at least one man's phone number tonight." He goes to speak and she butts in again before he can. "And you don't count as one of those men." 

He sighs. "Why are we doing this?" 

"Did you forget about our conversation? The one in which I explained to you how your injuries put a gigantic damper on my social life?" 

"So, you weren't kidding about that?!" He asks her, incredulously. "I was laid up in a hospital room for an entire summer, and I'm supposed to feel bad for you?" 

"I believe that was the point, yes." 

"You're impossible." 

"And persistent." She smiles. "I want your A game. The stuff you used to pull out for Ted before he got his first period and grew into a beautiful young woman." 

"Wow, it's been so long since I've had to use it then." He was really hoping to get laid tonight, but he's supposed to be taking it easy, and really, it wouldn't hurt to work on his wingman skills a little. Especially because she's the only other single person he knows anymore. "Alright, I'm convinced. One phone number, because you've been such a good sport this summer." 

She claps her hands like she's a little kid. "Thank you." 

"Any prospects here you like the looks of?" 

Robin looks around the bar, lingering over the booth back in the corner. "That guy in the green shirt." 

"The guy with one eyebrow?" He sneers. 

"He has two eyebrows, Barney." 

"He looks like Bert from _Sesame Street_. I refuse. On principle." 

"Alright, what about the guy in the glasses by the window?" 

He responds flatly, "No." 

"He's good looking!" 

"Personally, I think you could do better." 

She gives him a hard look. "Don't try to sweet talk your way out of this." 

"I wasn't." 

"Well?" 

"Let's get a drink first," he says. "On me." 

"One drink, followed by one phone number." 

"Term accepted high five." He puts out his palm and she slaps it with the kind of force only Marshall typically uses. 

\--- 

Thankfully, the uni-browed wonder has left by the time Robin finishes her glass of wine, but that stupid guy with the glasses is still sitting and talking with his friends. Robin was right, he is actually not that unattractive, but he kind of looks like a prick. And like he might be 22. 

"So, you're sure you want Tooly McToolerson's phone number?" Barney asks, trying to nurse the last bit of his scotch in an attempt to put off what he's sure has become an inevitable. "Because if I start this, you're going to get it." 

"I'll be here waiting." 

He thinks he might be starting to sweat, and has to swallow the remains of his drink and the little cube of ice that was still left. "Maybe you want another drink first?" He really isn't going to enjoy talking to this pretentious kid who maybe flat irons his hair for Robin. 

"We high fived, Barney," and she's totally right, and the way she says it, he remembers that Robin's a bro. And with all the breaking of Bro Code that's been happening, he can't do that again. This is going to be exactly like it was when he winged for Marshall, or James or Ted, except for how it's not. 

"Alright, I need you to look sad." 

"I can do that." 

"Good girl." 

Walking towards the guy's table, he wants to look back at her, but he feels like if he does, there's no way he'll be able to go through with this. He's debating using the line, "My friend loves your jeans, and they're obviously for women. Do you mind if I find out what store you got them from?" but knows that if he blows it with this douche, she's just going to pick someone else. At least with this particular one, there's a good chance she'll hate him. Getting closer, Barney can see he has one of those spacer things in his ear, and smiles. Make that an excellent chance. 

"Hey, I'm sorry to bother you, but I just had a quick question." Barney says. 

"Yeah?" The jerks says and Barney hates his voice more than his Buddy Holly glasses. 

"My friend over there in the white dress? She just got dumped, and I've got to go pick my girlfriend up at the airport. You mind maybe just going over and saying hi after I leave? I know it's a lot to ask, man, but, I figured I'd take a shot." 

Barney watches him look Robin up and down, and wants to punch him in the face. This is a lot harder than he was expecting it to be, and he's not really sure why. It's almost like he's jealous, but that has to be wrong. Robin's doing a good job of looking pitiful and that's making him feel weird too. 

"Sure, I can buy her a drink or something." 

"Thank you. So much," and he has no idea how he's saying any of this with conviction except years of practice. Barney ambles back over to the table and leans down and whispers in her ear, "You just got dumped, and I'm going to get my girlfriend at the airport. I will be back in an hour and a half unless you call me before that." 

"Wow, thanks, that was quick." 

"I'm the master, what can I say?" 

And yet even as the master, Barney has to spend most of his first night back on the market watching _Juno_ with Lily and Marshall, because Robin never calls. By the scene that she has the baby, the two of them have fallen asleep, and thank God, because he's sure that if they were awake, Marshall would be crying. 

\--- 

Ninety minutes after he went upstairs, he heads back down, and is kind of surprised to see Robin sitting at the bar talking with Carl. "Is Pete Wentz in the bathroom or something?" 

"I just sent him home." 

"Oh, was he not to your liking?" 

"He was alright." 

"Just alright?" Barney's kind of fishing for her to say that he was disgusting in every way, or at least that she thought his Chucks were stupid. 

"Yeah, 'just alright'." Robin laughs. 

Carl asks, "You want a drink?" 

"I would love one," Barney says, taking the stool next to Robin. "So, did he give you his phone number or am I supposed to start this ruse all over again?" 

Robin holds up a napkin with way too much writing on it to be a phone number. "Oh my God, is that his Myspace page?" 

"No," Robin says, with a little bit of shame, "it's his band's." 

"You talked to the guy for nearly 2 hours and he was that atrocious? You should have Lemon Lawed and called me." 

"He wasn't that bad." Barney crosses his arms. "Okay, he might have been wearing more eyeliner than I am." 

"A much better response." 

"I'm actually kind of surprised that you did this for me tonight." 

"Why's that?"

"Well, since you're in love with me and all..." 

Barney's happy that Carl hasn't brought his drink yet, because he definitely would have choked on it. "Did you just say that I was in love with you?" 

"You told me that you were." 

He scoffs. "That did not happen." 

"It did. Your first night in the hospital." Barney can vaguely remember Robin saying goodnight to him, but not much that comes before that.

"That must have been the drugs then." Seriously, it has to have been the drugs. 

"If you say so." 

"I do. I say so." Barney thinks he's blushing. "So was this whole thing some kind of test? To see how I felt about you?" 

"No, I did actually want to get you out there. Take advantage of your skills." 

"But, why?" 

She shrugs her shoulders. "I just did." 

Barney thinks back to when Robin first brought this whole thing up, the bad day, and how she looked kind of just at loose ends. The way she mentioned people thinking they were a couple rather than just ignoring his confusion. "Robin, what happened that day we made the list? Really." 

"I don't know what you're talking about." 

"Come on, you do." 

Robin sighs and takes a sip of her drink. "Ted and Stella picked a wedding date." 

"Ah," and he nods as Carl places a glass of scotch in front of him. 

"Don't say 'Ah' like you even know what that means." 

"It means that even though you know you can't end up with Ted, that doesn't completely get rid of the feelings that you might want to. Right?" 

She won't meet his eyes. "Maybe." 

He wishes he knew what the word was for when someone is smiling, but you know their heart isn't in it, because that's how she looks right now. "You want another round?" 

"I'm okay." 

It's not what they do, but he feels like he has to ask, "Are you?" 

"Yeah. I am. And I'm sorry I ruined your first big night out in the world." 

"It wasn't ruined. I mean, I got to see last year's Academy pick for Best Screenplay." 

"Oh, God, they were watching _Juno_ again?" 

He smirks. "Your new boyfriend probably loves the soundtrack." 

\--- 

They end up ordering a plate of nachos and Robin tells him about how she's starting to kind of hate her job, and suddenly, Wendy is putting _Lady in Red_ on the jukebox, her official `we are closing and I want to get the hell out of here music'. 

"Aw, they're playing our song," Robin says sarcastically, even though Barney realizes he can think of a lot of nights this lame 80s song was the backdrop to for just the two of them.

He holds out his hand, "You want to dance?" 

Robin laughs. "What?"

"Come on. Dance with me." He doesn't think he started off seriously, but it feels like he might have ended up there anyway. 

"You're kidding, right?" She sounds a little scared, almost like she's pleading with him to be playing and not make her dance around a mostly empty bar to one of the cheesiest songs of all time. 

"Yeah, it's a joke. I'm a jokester." He does jazz hands then. Honest to god jazz hands and it's no wonder that she has no interest in being anything other than bros. Not that he thinks he does either. Except right at this particular moment for an as of yet undetermined reason. 

"We better go," she says, putting her purse on her shoulder, and waving goodbye to Carl behind the bar. 

For a moment, Barney wants to hold hands with her while they walk out to get a cab. "I think I'm drunk," he says, which is really the only explanation he can come up with. He hasn't drank for months, so, it's possible. Not plausible, but possible. 

"You'll go home and sleep it off." 

"Do you want to come?" He smirks, and she rolls her eyes, and it's normal, but not right.

"Not tonight, Barney." 

"Guy's got to try." 

A cab pulls up, and he makes her take it because she's got farther to go, and because he doesn't really want her standing out on the street by herself. He gets the next one, and goes home to his bed where he hasn't slept in weeks. Tonight doesn't seem like it's going to be any different. He lies there and he thinks maybe it wasn't just the drugs and about all the times he would have just kissed her if she were anybody else. 

 


End file.
